Let Me Tell You

Okay...

.

I am going to tell you a secret. It may be the first time you have heard this...

Being married is hard. Like crazy hard.

DISCLAIMER- As I write this right now I am afraid that I will sound judgmental. That is not my intention at all. I do not mean to sound like a know it all either. 

What made me think of this is a person that I know. I was at her wedding. I remember it very well. I do not know what made me think of this. She is divorced now. I remember thinking I was at your wedding... you promised until death do you part. I wondered what happened. What was the final straw? Did he leave the toilet seat up one too many times? Did she forget to turn the shower head off? 

For some reason I have been noticing memes lately that have to do with love and marriage and how to know if he is the one!

I have been married 21 years. You can not put 21 years of marriage in a meme. You can not describe it with a single quote. Every good Southern girl can quote those lines from Sweet Home Alabama -Young Melanie: Why would you want to marry me for, anyhow? Young Jake: So I can kiss you anytime I want.  Isn't that sweet? (I'll give you time to think on it.....)

Love is more than someone bringing you roses everyday (coffee is a nice alternative though.) Love is more cooking whatever his or her favorite meal is. Love is more than your sweetie buying you the dog/cat/pig/turtle you want. Love isn't just the happy stuff. Love is the bad stuff too...when the lights go out because you forgot to pay the bill, when one of you hit the fourth deer with the same car in three years. Love is going fishing even though you hate it because you want to spend time together. Love is siting down and paying bills, love is washing the dishes, love is folding laundry. Love is putting the seat up or down depending on which bathroom you are in. Love is rubbing Vicks and Bengay.

Love is holding hands as a parent dies. Love is shedding tears when a long time dream dies. 

Love is face timing your partner when your song come on the radio so you can sing it together. Love is celebrating accomplishments of individually and as a couple. 

I know that you have your own definition of  love. Being married is all about finding someone you love and spending the rest of your life with them.

Marriage is more than just a wedding...marriage is what happens everyday after the wedding. Marriage is...marriage is...life.  

Not long after I married I asked a wise older lady who was celebrating her 50th anniversary if she every thought about killing her husband. Without thinking she said yes. I explained "No really if you could have killed him and gotten away with it would you?" "Yes!" I knew then that it would be okay.

This week alone I wanted to smack my honey because he wasn't listening to being over the moon when he sent me a picture of the kitchen table that he cleaned off. 

When you decide to spend the rest of your life with someone you are attempting to join two lives into one. There will be comprises. I don't like fishing because I can't stay quiet that long but hubby can go whenever he wants. I like taking landscape pictures so hubby drives me so I can take them. I read, he doesn't (he knows how he just isn't a reader) so I go to bookstores. I like sushi and he uses it for bait but he picks it up for me when he gets a chance. We learned that we don't have to do everything together. 

I do know who Hank Williams is and have "Kaw Ligia" in my ipod and I know his version is better than Charlie Pride's. I know there is a town named Saginaw Michigan and that there was a Carroll County accident that was probably caused by Big John. I know this because my hunny loves old county music and now I love it. He watches NCIS and Big Bang Theory. He understands my love for Matthew McConaughey.

Our marriage is in no way perfect. Everyday (7,917) for the past 21 years we have decided that we will stick it out one more day. We will defend one another to death. We are a team, we are partners. We are we. When you see us at any given point we may like each other or can't stand each other but there is no doubt that we are there for each other.

Why I Love Downton Abbey

I really truly love Downton Abbey. I can give you the technical stuff- the writing is excellent, the actors, the location, All of it feels very true to life.  Dame Maggie Smith plays the matriarch of the family and the best lines are reserved for her.
The family is taken care of by servants, Who hasn't dreamed about someone fixing their hair everyday?

The huge house. Really who needs that much space? I would like to find out.

Twenty-five years or so ago I went to the Biltmore Estate in Asheville North Carolina. Then as a teenager I could not fathom a life that was lived in that house. I couldn't picture kids screaming and running amuck. I couldn't see a family gathered in the kitchen eating dinner. I loved that house. That is the frame of reference that I have for Downton Abbey. 

I love the characters on Downton. I have become involved in their lives. I cheer when they get married and cry when they are hurt. I want those who harm the family to receive their comeuppance.

All of these are legitimate reasons why I love Downton.

My favorite reason is that I watch it with my brother. He is several states and hundreds of miles away but I know that he is watching. I watch because I know that he watching the exact same thing as me,

My brother is seven years older than me..almost to the day, our birthdays are two days apart. He left for college the year I started seventh grade. I was a horrible child. I was the youngest and I have been told I was spoiled and always got my way. (I do not believe that in the least.) As we got older we grew apart. He married and did great things. I stumbled around for a while. I was self-centered and often rude and mean. He loved me anyway. I got married and learned that the world did not indeed revolve around me. (I was greatly disappointed.)

Seven or eight years ago a series of events caused me to have a crisis of faith. I questioned everything I had grown up knowing. I had been hurt deeply by a person in my church. I wasn't sure that I even wanted to go back to church. I did not know where to turn or who to talk to. After many weeks of struggle I called my brother. And he listened. For over an hour he listened to me cry and question. He did it all without judgement. He did not tell me to just pray about it and it would get better. He told me it was okay to question. He told me I did not have to agree with everything the preacher said. He told me I was going to be okay. That was a turning point I believe for us. I think had it not been for him I would have fallen apart during that time.

I have learned to depend on this great, godly, wonderful man that my brother had become. he has taught me to be non-judgmental. God loves everyone, regardless of color, shape or size. I have seen him travel to foreign countries so people can feel the love of Christ. I have seen him love his wife for over 30 years. I have watched him raise a red headed little boy into a red headed man with the same love for people that his father has. When our mom was sick he came for a week so our siblings who lived in the same town as the hospital could have a break. When Mom died he was there again.

When I graduated college he came. I would have understood if he had not. He had been back here four times in the past year and that was hard on him. He gave up his birthday so he could be with me.

It was hard for him growing up being the oldest of four. Towing his little sister with him to friends houses, sharing birthday parties with a girl seven years younger than him. Knowing two other siblings depended on him. He persevered, (Maybe I am part of the reason he is a great person? Hmmm.)

Growing up I hear more than once that I needed to be more like my brother. Now as an adult that would be the best compliment that a person could give me, that I was like my brother.

My Journey

You probably want to know something about me. To begin with I am not all that special. If you saw me on the street you would pass me up and not think anything about it. I am no different than you are. I struggle with getting up in the morning and I think that coffee is a miracle food. There is no such thing as too much sweet tea. The carhops at Sonic know my name, my order and what time I come in. The owner of the local Mexican restaurant gives me a hard time when he sees me at Wal-Mart and knows I am lying when I tell him that I am going to start going to Taco Bell. I have been married 21 years (OMG!) which is a big deal but it is hard and I am still trying to figure it out. There are days when I don't get dressed. There can be several days in a row when I don't get dressed. I read People magazine faithfully. I have read the Harry Potter Series at least four times and am halfway through them again. I play on my iPad too often and check Facebook often because I want to see if that relationship with the two people who are soul-mates and best friends even though they met last week has imploded yet. I wear a FitBit because I like the idea of working out but not the physical act of working out. It does tell me if I reached my goal of sleeping eight hours a night though.

See I am no different than you. I am walking the same road that you are. My feet have been  tired and swollen and blistered. There were times when I wasn't sure I could make it another step. I have cried out at the top of my lungs "WHY? WHY ME?." I have gathered up the broken pieces and glued and taped and stapled them back together. To look at me I am nothing special. 

Except for I am.

I am the daughter of a King.

I am loved.

I am me.

There are many things that I could tell you about that you might be able to relate to. I want to tell you about one particular thing that has happened in the last year.

My mom died. She is dead. I know that sounds harsh but it is the truth. I do not like it when someone has passed (What did they pass? Where did they pass?) or when someone is lost. (We lost Uncle Joe this morning. Have you looked for him? Did you notify the police?) 

I was in my last semester of college. I was getting ready to intern. My mom went in the hospital three days before the semester started. She died three days before I was to start my internship. She was in the hospital close to 30 days.

We had our share of problems. I think it was because I am like her. She was my mom and I loved her. I was able to  spend a great deal of time with her in the hospital. She had some really good days and some really bad days. I usually had a good day then a bad day. I know she loved me and I know that she was proud of me because she told me so. We laughed and we cried. We talked about growing up. 

During that time I learned how strong I was. I stood with my brothers and sister and told her that it was okay to let go. I help plan her funeral. I wrote her obituary. I picked up the clothes she would be buried in from her house, I found my voice and was able to express it. My siblings saw me in a new light. 

It was during this time when I realized that some things are worth fighting for. (Yes, Mom wanted Abba songs at her funeral. We will play Abba!) Some things are not worth fighting for. (It doesn't matter when visitation is.) Some things we can laugh at (The pink casket will clash with her blue dress.)  Some things just are. (No, she didn't want church songs but that one is okay.)

I learned that I could depend on friends that would make me laugh no matter what. I learned that college professors are much more understanding than anyone ever said. I have not yet learned what to say when someone tells me they are sorry that she died other then thank you.

Most importantly I have learned that sometimes you just need to listen. I listened to my mom tell stories while she was in the hospital. I listened to my family as they told tales about my mom. I listened to her friends. I listened to people tell me things about my mom. I like to talk. I love to tell stories. I have a story for almost every occasion but sometimes you just need to listen.  I learned to be quiet. 

I learned to listen not just to others but being quiet I have been able to hear the still small voice.

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This is one of my favorite passages in the Bible.

1 Kings 19:11-13The Message (MSG)

11-12 Then he was told, “Go, stand on the mountain at attention before God. God will pass by.”

A hurricane wind ripped through the mountains and shattered the rocks before God, but God wasn’t to be found in the wind; after the wind an earthquake, but God wasn’t in the earthquake; and after the earthquake fire, but God wasn’t in the fire; and after the fire a gentle and quiet whisper.

13 When Elijah heard the quiet voice, he muffled his face with his great cloak, went to the mouth of the cave, and stood there. A quiet voice asked, “So Elijah, now tell me, what are you doing here?”

Wednesday Night Vistors

I am very involved in church. It is where my friends are. i is where my family is. Church is normally the center of my life. I teach Sunday School to fourth, fifth and sixth graders on Sunday mornings. Sometime I want to pinch their heads off most of the time I love it. on Wednesday nights I help with third grade girls in AWANA. Sometime I fill in for council time. I love those girls, they keep on my toes.

Lately though on Wednesday's I have been going home so frustrated that last night I screamed in the car on the way home. You see last night we were short on workers, the flu has been going around. I had my girls by myself and there were two substitute teachers for the other girl's class. After that class I did Council Time for the little kids because that teacher wasn't there either. The fact that this happened doesn't bother. Anything for the kids.

What bothered me and has been bothering me is that there are six adults who sit in the kitchen and talk. For two hours they talk. I am running around like a mad man and they are VISITING! I was not happy. So last night I wrote a letter to them:

Dear Parents Who Visit During Wednesday Night Church:

I understand that you need fellowship. You are a stay at home mom and you need need adult conversation. All moms, all people need fellowship. I am not against you visiting but let me tell you about my day.

On Wednesday's I go to school. I drive an hour both ways. I get to work on two on-line classes when I get home from school. After working on my classes I volunteer at church.

Today I did not see my husband except for the minute I took him coffee and when I was pulling out of the driveway to head for church and he pulled into the driveway and I asked him to pick up dinner. ee he works twelve hours a day often seven days a week.  I normally do not eat at church because I want to make sure the kids have enough to eat.

While at church I was in a class by myself because the other teacher was sick. In fact three out of four workers were gone.

This is while you were fellowshipping.

After that class I changed hats and worked in another class because there was another worker missing.

And still you fellowshipped.

When I got home my husband was asleep and my dinner had to be heated up. While I ate I had to prop my foot up because I have tendinitis and being on my feet too long aggravates it. Tonight I stood longer than I am suppose to.

And you did not see me limping because you were fellowshipping.

Four hours later and my foot is still propped up, my husband is snoring and dinner is gone and I wonder if it is worth it. You see I do not have children myself, there is no reason for me to be at AWANA other than your child. I know it was worth it because I love your kids. When they finally get the verse they have worked so hard on I love the look on their face. In council time I love to see the look of wonder they have as the finally understand something. I LOVE your kids.

So next week while you are visiting and fellowshipping and eating and watching as adults are counted to make sure there are enough I want you to realize how much these adults have sacrificed to be there with your kids and how badly we need in the room with your kids.

Sincerely,

The AWANA worker who bit her tongue tonight

HELP!!!

I am a self-titled whiner. I may be the world's best/worst whiner (depends on the way you look at it.) I have a dear friend who keeps me in check when I need. She tells me to go eat worms or something.

If I haven't said it before let me tell you now. I have issues. Most of the time it is anxiety issues. Every six months or so it is depression issues. Right now I am in the middle of an "I'm gonna eat worms" time. I usually feel this way when I feel overwhelmed.

This is not fun for me. I do not like feeling this way. If i could pray and make it better I would. it's not something I can turn on and off. I can not will myself to feel better. I can not tell myself that when I wake up tomorrow everything will be all sunshine and rainbows because right now I'm not so sure that I want to wake up tomorrow. (I do not want to kill myself I just want to not deal with life.) 

My church had a Beth Moore simulcast today. She is such a good speaker. Today she spoke about being a woman and what that means. One of the things she talked about was women encouraging other women. We tend to be hyper-critical of one another. One of the things she said is that we need to have girlfriends on our side.

So I am sitting in my church with these women I know. I KNOW them, they KNOW me. I KNOW that love me. I KNOW that if I told them how I felt someone would take up my cause. I all could think was that I was all alone in this room. NO ONE would understand and even worse no one would CARE. In my notes I wrote that I needed someone on my side. I know I have someone on my side but yet I could not feel it. This was not a fun feeling for me. I looked at the people around me and felt that I was drowning in the middle of a crowded pool. I am waving my arms and no one is paying any attention to me. 

I know, I know. I should have told someone the way I felt. What do I say? Excuse me, but I feel as if I am in a pool of quicksand. Do you mind stopping everything you are doing and pay attention to me?  I know I look happy and all but I am dying on the inside, can you help me? or...I know that God loves me and Christ died for me. I know how the story ends and Satan loses but I can't process that right now. Do you know what I am suppose to do? If anyone had said any of these things to you today you would have said "You know Jesus loves you, I don't understand how you can feel like this." or "You know all these women care about you." or maybe my favorite "You poor thing, I will pray for you." then promptly go home and watch the Hogs game and forget about me.

This is not pleasant for me. All the difference would have been five minutes of someone's time to listen to me. I had a lot of people ask me how I was as they walked passed me. I do that too, "Hey Sue! How ya doin'? Good. Me too." I never heard what Sue said if she said anything.

I am not writing this because I want anyone to feel guilty or bad. I really don't want sympathy or pity. I want understanding. I want empathy. I want someone beside me to know that I am overwhelmed and I want to stay under my covers for a week. 

Most of all I want to feel God's love for me and sometime's that feels like someone taking time out of their day to give me fifteen minutes of their time to listen to me.

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I am not a Biblical scholar. I can not tell in what context David wrote the following Psalm but this explains how I feel-

Psalm 38:17-22

I’m on the edge of losing it—

    the pain in my gut keeps burning.I’m ready to tell my story of failure,    I’m no longer smug in my sin.My enemies are alive and in action,    a lynch mob after my neck.I give out good and get back evil    from God-haters who can’t stand a God-lover.     my God, don’t stand me up.
Hurry and help me;
    I want some wide-open space in my life!

Don’t dump me, God;

Another Waterfall

This waterfall is on the land of a dear friend of mine. I worked for her at one time. She was the best employer that I ever had. She is a true lady. Well she is still a lady.

She has a way with words. She knows exactly what to say and when to say it. One time I saw her confront a person at a party in such a way that no one knew she was was doing, I not sure the person even knew. She said what she had to say and that it was it. The person watched her walked away as the party carried on. It was AWESOME!

She walked with me when I had a crisis of belief and tons of questions. She did what she could. I think she would have encouraged me to believe that  Winnie the Pooh was God if that was the way I was leaning. She did not force her beliefs on me, she let me sort it out. I cried and I wept and she was there for me through it all.

Things happened and I don't work for her now. She is still a wonderful friend. Earlier this year I had a week of "It's not fair! Why is this happening to me?!" I ended up at her house she talked to me for three hours. Even now as I think back on it I am tearing up. Once again she got me through the crisis.

I had to an assignment to take landscape pictures for my photography class. I made the trip to her property and we talked, for an hour. While I was there she told me that I was going to be an awesome teacher. What? How often do you hear a person you admire and respect say such words of encouragement? President Obama could have said the same thing and it would have meant much less.  She is still pulling me through crisis.

I have read articles about finding a mentor, finding someone in your chosen profession that you want to emulate. Ask them if they will mentor you and on on on. She became my mentor. Not in the field if business she was in or in education. She became my mentor in life. Knowing that she is there and will always welcome me gives me such an example. Walking through the fire with me but not pulling me off the trail I was going. I now try to let others figure out where there trail leads as I walk beside them as she did for me.

These are poor words to express how much she means to me.It is not enough to say "thank you" but those inadequate words will have to do.

THANK YOU.

Waterfall

This is a waterfall on Mount Magazine. I have already proclaimed my love for the mountain in a previous post.

I took this picture as part of an assignment for a photography class I took this summer.

I love that the water was flowing so much. The waterfall can only be seen after a rain.. My favorite part about this is the part you can not see. I took my shoes off to wade around in the water. I love being barefoot but being barefoot in a stream of cool water is something else all together. I look at this picture and that is what I remember, Standing barefoot with water running over my feet not hearing the cars that were going by 10 feet above my head.

This is one of my favorite places in the world. I will always go back.

Worthy are you, out Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created.

Revelation 4:11

And a song-

Chris Tomlin - Waterfall 

O God, my God I seek You
I wanna move when You move
You're more than I could long for
I thirst for You
You're an ocean to my soul
To my soul

Your love is like a waterfall, waterfall
Running wild and free
You hear my heart when I call, when I call
Deep calls to deep
Your love is like a waterfall, waterfall
Raining down on me
Waterfall, waterfall

O God my God, I seek You
In this dry and desert land
You lead me to streams of mercy once again
You're an ocean to my soul
To my soul

It's coming like a flood
I'm dancing in the rain
Everything I've done is covered in rivers of grace
Amazing

It's coming like a flood 
I'm dancing in the rain
I lift up my hands
Your love never changes
Amazing

Words

I know I haven't written in a while. In fact my sister-in-law has asked me twice to update. So B. this is for you....

I have been busy, a little busy. I probably have said this before but I am in school full time. I have two classes I am currently in. In the Fall I will have 21 hours, in the Spring I will intern. I will graduate in May!!!! When I am not studying I lay on the couch and drool, well actually I do things that I do not have to think about, like drooling. I love being in school but my brain hurts at the end of the day.

This week is over. I found out that a friend is moving to Virginia. I was close to him for about six months and things happened and I got mad and resentful and wished for hot coals to come down on him. The events led us to go to another church. I swelled up like a baby and carried my hurt around like a badge. I pointed and said "LOOK AT WHAT HE DID TO ME!"

Several years ago I actually talked to him about what happened. (What a novel idea!) You know what I was wrong, so wrong, so so wrong. I begged forgiveness and he gave it freely. I know that what I said hurt him and I can not take that back. It's like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube after it is squeezed out. (Try that at home.)

In the last several weeks others things have happened that have hurt my feelings. I really like showing off my hurt and letting others know how bad I have been treated. This time I couldn't gripe about it to everyone that would listen because they were a part of it. I have two very good friends who I did tell, one was vary sympathetic the other told me to get over it. The nerve of her! I got over it because I knew she wouldn't listen to my whining about it for days on end.

My biggest problem is my words. I don't always use the right words or nice words. I am very sarcastic.  I try hard not to be sarcastic around people who do not understand it but it is hard. I have hurt people with my words without meaning to. I think people know I am joking and I say to myself that's just the way I am. My words can be biting.

There's a verse that speaks directly to this-

Ephesians 4:29

29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

I pray that my words are like silver boxes (gifts) and others will be lifted up by what I say.

The month of May

You probably know this but if not I am not a mother. When Hunny and I married we decided that if God gave us kids we would be good, if he didn't give us kids we would be good. Well he didn't give us kids. We tried to foster/adopt and that fell through. Bottom line I do not have kids.

Talking to Hunny last week we decided that we were selfish and that is really the reason why we do not have kids. We both like to do our own thing. I would be besides myself if I had a child to take care of. God knew what he was doing.

This does not negate the pain I feel the first two weeks of May every year. And the way Hunny feels in June. For those few weeks EVERY year we are reminded that even though some people can have seventy eleven kids we could not manage to produce one. If you are a mom it is hard to understand the way I feel. It's not like "Geez I don't have a date to the prom so I am going to have an awesome night with my other non-prom going friends." It's more like "Look at that woman with five children who are wearing just diapers and t-shirts into Wal-Mart. Yep she can do something you can't. LOSER!" Every year for at least the last fifteen years.

The majority of the time I think it is awesome that I can not what I want when I want. I can go to a football game and enjoy because I don't have to worry about my child getting hurt. I like staying up late and sleeping in. I can go to the store within a moments notice. Right now I am in school and can take classes whenever because I don't have to worry about kids. In job interviews I point out that I am more flexible than parents are. These are the times when I know the reason I don't have kids. If  I need to go to the store I don't want to have to get anyone else ready.

To honest I don't know if I could take care of another human being either. My dogs and cats often run out of food and water. One of the dogs will tell me when they are out of water, he whines until I get up to fill his bowl, it doesn't matter the time if he is thirsty he will get his water.

I love being an aunt. My nieces and nephews my not love it but I do. When they were younger (and when Xanderthal gets older) I would take them for fun things, give them junk food and sugar and then take them home. That was the best. When one of them tells me they want something I will do whatever I can to get it for them. If everything keeps going in the direction it is in the Spring of 2015 my niece and I will both graduate college. I feel privileged that I can share that with her. Just this morning I was wondering if she would want to take a bucket list trip with me to celebrate.

Now that I am older and my friends kids are getting married and my nieces and nephews are old enough to marry I have a tinge of sadness because I will never be the mother of the bride or groom. I guess I could have a wedding for the dogs or something to make up for it. (I would never ever do that!)

I love my life. I feel that God has blessed me beyond anything I deserve. I am married to my best friend. When he breathes out I breathe in, there is no doubt that that is the man that God made for me. I am pursuing a lifelong dream, it is within reach and I couldn't have done that without God.

I love my mom, very much. The older I get the more like my mom I become. I have other wonderful women in my life that have helped me along the way. I would never not honor any of these women because Mother's Day is hard for me.

The fact that I have been able to type this without sitting on a potty in a locked bathroom without people banging on the door is a testament to my wonderful childlessness. On May 12th when all the Mother's Day stuff is put up my wound will begin to heal again. I know though that next May it will reopen. I honestly do not feel sorry for myself. How many people can say that they have slept till noon at least twice in the past month? I can go to the bathroom and actually have quiet (until the dogs come in.) I can stay up until three in the morning without worrying if someone will wake me up at six (Hunny might but he knows better.)

Next Sunday look around you. Do you have women who have influenced you? Let them know you appreciate them. Do you have an aunt that will let you be silly? Tell her Happy Mother's Day.

What will I be doing? I will tell the special women in my life that I love them and appreciate them and after church I will take a nap and perhaps a long bubble bath to remind myself of one more reason I don't have kids.

Time Flies

View from the top

It's been almost a year since i have written anything. I didn't realize it had been that long. I will try to do better (But probably won't)

I am on spring break. I cannot believe that I am a full time student. I am too old to be a student. If it all works out I will be a teacher next year. I cannot wait.

This week I will get to relax, and sleep late and do the work that was assigned. The most important thing that i am planning this week is spending time with my Hunny. That will include going to Mt. Magazine. I love spending time there. We renewed our vows there ten years ago. When Hunny and I dated he took me up there and I fell in love with him and the mountain. I feel a connection to the mountain. I feel that our marriage has grown up with the state park that is there now.

I drive be it everyday I go to school. I can see when I leave the house. I can see when I get to school. The mountain is a constant in my life when sometimes things are crazy. Sometime I think I can hear the mountain cheering me on..."You can do it. You are smart. You are strong. You can do this." I feel reassured by it. When I am on the mountain I feel peaceful, I feel whole.

Twenty years ago I left part of my heart on that mountain I must go back from time to time to find it. When I start down the mountain I leave another piece of my heart so when I come back my heart will feel peace.

Dreams

What is your dream? Is it something that you gave up on a long time ago? Is it the voice that nags at the back of your mind to try something? Is it a desire that is so overwhelming you can't breath? At some-point  did your dream become a nightmare?

I have spent a good deal of my adult life chasing dreams. I was unsettled, I couldn't even figure out what my dream for one day was much less a life defining one. I would find something that seemed good for a while then I would become uninterested then I would chase the next thing. For fifteen years I was a tumbleweed and went where the wind blew me.

I chased rainbows, then I would write about them. I would have a revelation from the Lord then I would write it down so I wouldn't forget. So maybe this was my dream- to write.

So I am chasing a rainbow. I am settled, I even kinda sorta know what I want to write about.

Women. Awesome women. Women who make a difference. Everyday women. Women whose biggest accomplishment may be getting out bed for the day.

A book I read recently spoke a lot about women and the pressure we put on ourselves. The beginning of Proverbs 31talks about a woman . In the Greek (or Hebrew) it is eshet chayil - woman of valor. I want to honor these women of valor.

Women have such an awesome influence on the world. When Charles Manson was arrestted I bet someone's asked, "Where's his mother?" When atheletes get on camera they say "Hi Mom" It ispwomen who teach us gentleness and love and caring and empathy.

God has placed strong women in my life. I have been blessed to have two wonderful sister-in-laws. Their influence on my life is great and awesome. It has been life changing.

I have had several women who have stepped up and become mentors to me.

These are the women I want to write about. I want to share their stories. The women who are not famous but make a difference in everyday lives of people around them.

The problem is where do I start? So many women.

What I just read

The last book I read was A Year of Biblical Womanhood   is a book by Rachel Held Evans.
 
Evans is a Christian, independent, liberated, modern woman. She decided to take "biblical womanhood literally. From the beginning to the end. From the rules in the Old Testament to the standard in the New Testament.
 
If I had read the hard copy of this book I would have not all through it. (One of the drawbacks of an e-reader.) When I get through I felt Evans was a friend, one I could people watch with, that would understand my sarcasm, that would laugh at with me at inappropriate moments.

She had ten things (commandments) that she followed each day: be submissive to her husband, do all the household work, dress modestly, not cut her hair, no gossip, et al. Each month she then took a different virtue that she focused on.
 
She takes the reader on her journey with her from learning how sew a button to proclaiming her husband at the city gate. She shares her triumphs and her fails. In the process she learns, she teaches. She does it all without being whiney or preachy. Which is more than I could do.
 
I find her relatable. She's a Christian but admits to saying bad words, especially at the television on Saturday game days. She asks questions, she questions what she was taught in her sixth grade Sunday School class. I like her because this is a process that I have been going through the last several years.

She questions Christians bickering about a couple of  verses  while women in other countries are being tortured just because they are women. She made me realize that there is a world outside of the United States and how fortunate I am to live here.

The most important thing she taught me was that the whole Proverbs 31 woman DOES NOT exist. Proverbs 31 was not meant to be standard by which woman should live up to but it was intended as a way for men to praise their wives, a poem to recite to her.

I would recommend this book to anyone. You need to realize that if you are ultra conservative that you might get upset. If you are not at a point to look at your beliefs this is not for you. If you are ready to grow, to find answers for yourself then read this book.

Here is a link to her site; http://rachelheldevans.com/  Check her out, you might be surprised.

So now that I shared what book are you reading? What book have you just finished?

ETA:

Being grateful- today I am grateful for comfy pajamas that I can all day on a cold rainy day.

Passion

Passion is a funny word. It brings up all sorts of vision to ones mind. I have heard a lot about passion lately. My pastor preached about it, I read a book about it, and right now there is a conference happening called Passion 2013.

My Pastor described passion as having zeal, being obsessed, it is what drives us. (I bet he didn't think I was paying attention) So for the last month I have been trying to figure out what my passion is. What is it that drives me? You would think that would be easy to find out. But you would be wrong.

I have thought about what I like: I like to write, I like to take pictures, I like to be around kids, I like to learn, I like chocolate (ok I may be passionate about chocolate,) I like to read. Which one of these things drives me? I can write about learning to take pictures of children eating chocolate. That would be awesome!!!!

For real though, what is it that drives me? I would love to write the stories of everyday women who made a difference in their world. Those women inspire me. To find a problem and find a solution for it. I want to help kids. The innocent, they should stay innocent as long as they can. So many kids in our world are unloved, passed off to grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends. I want to help girls understand that God loves them, no matter what. They don't have to be a size two, dressed like a thirty year old stripper. Young teenage girls need to understand that they are princesses because they have a King for a Father.

These are the things that are important to me. I want people to know about my awesome sister-in-law because she is a wonderful example to me. She has loved my brother through better or worse. She has been on more missions than most of us ever dreamed about. She taught me that it's okay to ask questions. She is changing her neighborhood one day at a time. (She is also one of like three people who can call me a nick name.)

If Christians and churches don't make a stand and love the unlovable who will do it? These children who are being passed around must feel the love of Christ. Who is going to teach them that? Maybe for them the love of Christ looks a hot meal or a warm coat. Maybe the love of Christ is a hug, hearing someone tell them that they are loved, no matter what.

And girls, young teenage girls make so many life alternating decisions in those years. No they don't wake up one day and say "I think I will experiment with drugs today" but in a thousand of little decisions they get there. They need to be taught early to make the right decisions, to make the right turns so when they are faced with the big decision they won't have to think about what the decision will be.

Maybe I can spend four months doing each of these things and see where it gets me. Maybe I can have three passions. You know like some trains have more than one engine.

My last thing for today- to be grateful. I am not grateful enough and remembering to be grateful just once during the year doesn't cut it. Sooooo- today I am grateful for the Creator. He created the world but he created me and cares for me. How awesome is that?

I pray that this is the basis for my passion-

 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’   Matthew 22:37

What really matters

A couple of days ago a tragic thing happened to one of our neighbors. Their teenage son goes to church with us. It was a tragedy makes you stop and take inventory of your own life.


This has been on my mind and heart since then. I am not close to the family. I have been getting to know their so n at church. My heartaches for them. It has been aching for them since I found out.. This is not my tragedy and this is not going to be about me...well as much as a blog about my life is about me.

I went back to work and checked Facebook and Twitter to see if anyone had said anything, they hadn't. They were talking about TV shows and the Olympics and new cars and the snow-cone stand closing. I wanted to say "Don't you realize that it really doesn't matter if you have a snow-cone or not?" My boss' young daughter came with her dad to pick up my boss. She came to my desk, she uses my computer to watch Barney while her mom is finishing up. The hope in her eyes. She just wanted to watch Barney, I wanted to sit and sing "The Wheels on the Bus" for the rest of the day. I wanted to breath in her life, her hope. It was a sign that the world does go on.

That night we went to the store, no food in the house, I looked at all the people shopping and all the people that were shopping and I thought to myself  "Just two blocks away a family sits broken, how can you just go on with your lives?" Of course they didn't know about the family, the world must go on.

As much as I have been affected by it (I hugged a sweaty boy ugh) I know that their pain is 100, 1000 times more.

How does life go on? What are the magic words that take away the pain? I just do. I cling to my faith, I cling to Christ and the cross. I remember that God has a plan for me. He promised me a hope and a future. Do I tell my neighbors that? Yes? Now? No but someday. Someday.

Now? I pray. I pray for peace that passes understanding. I pray for them to be comforted. I will go and give them hugs and not say anything and just be there for them. Be the hands and feet of the church.

It's Been a While

It's been a while. After talking to a friend last night he unwittingly made me realize that I needed to get back to  blogging. I have been writing long hand in a notebook tho so I could use that as fodder later on.

To catch up. I am starting school on the 23rd. My major will be creative writing. I would love to do freelance work for magazines and such. I also really like proofreading too. I may look into that too. But at least I am going back to better myself.

Usually I like to write about what I am thinking or things that have happened to me. Right now I am heartbroken over several broken relationships.  I want things to get better but how? Do I need to take the first step to cross the bridge? Do I leave it alone? How can I convey that I want to move past that thing that came between us?

Because of my personality I wonder if they even miss me? Do they realize that it's been two years since they have talked to me? Do realize that I have visited in that long? That we haven't shopped together? Haven't had a cup of coffee? Haven't laughed? Do they realize the damage that it has done to others around us? Do they care at all?

I talked to Mr. Spouse about it and he asked me why I was worried about it now. All I could think of was I miss my friend. Did I do something that was unforgivable? Have they been waiting all this time for me to step up? If I explained my feelings would they listen? Would they understand?

So the question of the night is. Do I take the first step? Leave it alone? I know that God has it under control. He hold the future in my His hand.

Lord I come to you know and ask, to plea that you show me the direction you want me to go. I ask that you soften people hearts and prepare them for what You have planned. Prepare my heart for what you have planned, Lord help us to put away our childish ways and move beyond the hurt so that our renewed relationship will shine your light. Amen

Project....

I am just finishing Julie & Julia. It is a woman who decided to cook her way through Mastering the Art of French Cooking  by Julia Child.

It has made me long for a "project" of my own but for the life of me I don't know what it would be. I like to cook but not enough to cook my way through a cookbook.

I thought about doing a blog on women of the Bible but that has been done then done again. There is a series of book about the bad women of the Bible. In face it is called Bad Girls of the Bible. I can relate to those women. In fact I love Rahab with unnatural affection because she was as bad as you could be, a prostitute but somehow managed to be one of five women mentioned in the lineage of Jesus. Doesn't that say something?

I like bad women I suppose because it shows that we are not perfect and it make it seem that God has a sense of humor. Imagine His son being the descendant of a  prostitute. It kinda boggles the mind.

That would be kinda cool. Write about "bad girls" of the Bible. I can base it from the books. Work me way through the books like Julie worked her way through the cookbook. I would want to find out as many details about them as I could. Ummmm...that is a thought.

My other thought was to write about real women. Not Mother Theresa but REAL women. Women who go day to day and not expect any recognition, they love their families, they love their communities, they love their Lord. They go day by day and not expect to be changing a persons life in the process. Those are the women I truly admire. The one who stay after church and tell you they love you and give you a hug just when you need it. The one who teaches Sunday School every Sunday because she wants children to love the Lord.

Maybe that will be my next project.

We shall start with the The Bad Girls of the Bible  and go from there.

I HAVE A PROJECT!!!!!

By the way the Bad Girls are books by Liz Curtis Higgs. They are wonderful and funny and thought provoking. Read them, read them now!!!                   -

Easter

Easter is one of those holidays that is meant to be spent with family. With both of our families two hours away hubby and I usually spend the day by ourselves. We enjoy each others company so usually it's not a problem.

Today we got to spend it with family. My best friend's family has adopted us in every since of the word. We are included in family events and holidays. Even a recent wedding.

Family has always been important to me- I grew up around the corner from my grandparents. I love spending time with my family. When I married I moved two hours away from everything I ever knew. Although we try to visit family as often as possible it's impractical to go all the time. So I am grateful when families allow us to share in their holiday
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I found this in by list of drafts...I guess I never posted it.

That family still takes care of us. The whole family- sisters, nieces, nephews, mom and dad. It seems that we have known the for all time.
 t
The title of this post is Easter. I suppose back then I was going to have a cleaver little thing about Easter but for the life of me I do not know what it was.

As a Christian Easter is important. It's the day that we celebrate when Christ came from the grave. What a wonderful story. One time a friend asked me if there was another sacrifice that wouldn't have required Christ to die. I immediately said "NO!!" What else would have been great enough? I thought of Job who lost everything, wives, children all his material possessions and at the end  of his story we find out that he had more after the tragedy then before. We can give everything we have but still get more, if we give our life THAT is everything. After we give our life there is nothing else to give. We can't get it back. Christ was born so that he could die for us.

It is hard to remember that Easter is not about the bunnies and eggs and candy (although the candy is a yummy part of it). As much as we remember "The Reason for the Season" we must remember the reason why we celebrate Easter.

Lent

Yes I am Baptist. I am not Catholic. I went to a Catholic school for eight years. It has been over 25 years since I have stepped foot in a Catholic school. Since then I have been in a Catholic church once.

Some things though are hard to shake. I love the some of the rituals of the Church. I like how some of the priests and nuns give their lives, their whole lives to the Lord. I have no doubt that my pastor has dedicated his life to the Lord but Catholic priest give everything, money, a husband, a wife, children, family. They give it all up. (Yes I realize that not all priest are good.)

So tomorrow is the beginning of Lent. According to Dictionary.com lent is (in the Christian religion) an annual season of fasting and penitence in preparation for Easter, beginning on Ash Wednesday and lasting 40 weekdays to Easter, observed by Roman Catholic, Anglican, and certain other churches.

Origin:
before 1000; Middle English lente ( n ), Old English lencten, lengten  spring, Lent, literally, lengthening (of daylight hours); cognate with Dutch lente, German Lenz  spring; see Lenten

Growing up I gave up something every year for lent.(I caved to peer pressure)  Usually is was sodas or chocolate and it didn't last very long. Of course after going to public school I didn't have to worry about Lent anymore. As an adult it barley crossed my mind.

Several years after talking to a friend and reading some in a Bible study about how some people were practicing some aspects of Judaism because they felt it added to their relationship to God. (I like bacon too much to give it up.) I thought Lent and how I gave stuff up for it.

This was back in the days of the forty day books. You know Purpose Driven Life, 40 Days to a Better You, The Prayer of Jabez. So my first attempt at Lent was working my way through a Purpose Driven Life. I didn't tell a lot of people because that is a private thing.  And since I didn't finish it no one was disappointed in me.

Since then I have observed Lent. Most of my friends don't know that I do it. I have given up caffeine, meat, my computer. I tried to give up work once and hubby wouldn't let me. This year I said I was giving up cigarettes and beer. He didn't let that fly either.

Now my hubby does it with me. This year we are doing no meat again. I am giving up Facebook. I may give up Twitter but I don't know if I can do without both. 

Why do we do it? I mean we're not Catholics or any religion that practices Lent. Since Easter is the time that we recognize and talk about Christ dying on the cross and his Resurrection. I figure the least I could do to honor his sacrifice was to make a sacrifice of my own, however small. 

I do not expect anyone else to do. I do not expect the Southern Baptist Convention to suddenly say that we are observing Lent. This is part of who I am. I guess that sixth grader at St Edwards who wants to be like everyone else is still there in some way except I am not being like any one else  I am just the sixth grader all grown up realizing what a great and might God she serves and is humbled by the sacrifices that He made for me.

Lord have mercy

I  sit here in my chair content and happy. I am watching NCIS and that always makes me happy.

For some reason the phrase "Law have mercy" keeps running through my mind. It's silly, it reminds me of my oldest brother. I don't know why it reminds me if him but it does. I think the phrase is running through my head because I am so grateful for the Lord's mercy. I have a wonderful life. There have been ups and down but I have it made; my husband loves me, I have a job that I love and never once in four years did I not want to go. I live in a house that is sloooowly being redone. I have a son, well kinda and he IS Chinese. I am  thinking what did I ever do to deserve this? Nothing. I did nothing. It is part of the Lord's mercy.

Those are my favorite thing about the Lord; mercy. I just looked up
mercy on dictionary.com and this is the definition- compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy, or other person in one's power; compassion, pity, or benevolence. Compassion toward an offender. WOW!!! How many times have I shown mercy when someone wronged me? Uhhh not often and if I do it's only be once. How many times have I offended God? How many times did I offend Him just today yet he always compassionate and forgiving. I am sure I have mentioned this before but I carry offenses around like they are written in a little black book. "There's Joe. No I don't talk to Joe because when we were in sixth grade he said I have a pug nose." I guess it is time to throw away my little black book. If I am to be more like Christ I need to show some mercy. (NO mercy for not allowing me to watch NCIS!!!)
  
 For me the cross shows the supreme example of and mercy. God took pity on us because of our sinful condition and sent his Son to die for us. 

The hymn "At the Cross" notice the words of the first verse


At the Cross

~ Isaac Watts, 1674-1748
~ Chorus by Ralph E. Hudson, 1843-1901




Stanza 1:
Alas! and did my Savior bleed?
And did my Sov'reign die?
Would He devote that sacred head
For such a worm as I?


Chorus :
At the cross, at the cross,
Where I first saw the light,
And the burden of my heart rolled away -
It was there by faith I received my sight,
And now I am happy all the day.


Stanza 2:
Was it for crimes that I have done
He groaned upon the tree? Amazing pity! Grace unknown!
And love beyond degree!


(Chorus)


Stanza 3:
Well might the sun in darkness hide
And shut its glories in,
When Christ, the mighty Maker, died
For man the creature's sin.


(Chorus)


Stanza 4:
Thus might I hide my blushing face
While His dear cross appears;
Dissolve my heart in thankfulness,
And melt mine eyes to tears.


(Chorus)


Stanza 5:
But drops of grief can ne'er repay
The debt of love I owe:
Here, Lord, I give myself away -
'Tis all that I can do!