The month of May

You probably know this but if not I am not a mother. When Hunny and I married we decided that if God gave us kids we would be good, if he didn't give us kids we would be good. Well he didn't give us kids. We tried to foster/adopt and that fell through. Bottom line I do not have kids.

Talking to Hunny last week we decided that we were selfish and that is really the reason why we do not have kids. We both like to do our own thing. I would be besides myself if I had a child to take care of. God knew what he was doing.

This does not negate the pain I feel the first two weeks of May every year. And the way Hunny feels in June. For those few weeks EVERY year we are reminded that even though some people can have seventy eleven kids we could not manage to produce one. If you are a mom it is hard to understand the way I feel. It's not like "Geez I don't have a date to the prom so I am going to have an awesome night with my other non-prom going friends." It's more like "Look at that woman with five children who are wearing just diapers and t-shirts into Wal-Mart. Yep she can do something you can't. LOSER!" Every year for at least the last fifteen years.

The majority of the time I think it is awesome that I can not what I want when I want. I can go to a football game and enjoy because I don't have to worry about my child getting hurt. I like staying up late and sleeping in. I can go to the store within a moments notice. Right now I am in school and can take classes whenever because I don't have to worry about kids. In job interviews I point out that I am more flexible than parents are. These are the times when I know the reason I don't have kids. If  I need to go to the store I don't want to have to get anyone else ready.

To honest I don't know if I could take care of another human being either. My dogs and cats often run out of food and water. One of the dogs will tell me when they are out of water, he whines until I get up to fill his bowl, it doesn't matter the time if he is thirsty he will get his water.

I love being an aunt. My nieces and nephews my not love it but I do. When they were younger (and when Xanderthal gets older) I would take them for fun things, give them junk food and sugar and then take them home. That was the best. When one of them tells me they want something I will do whatever I can to get it for them. If everything keeps going in the direction it is in the Spring of 2015 my niece and I will both graduate college. I feel privileged that I can share that with her. Just this morning I was wondering if she would want to take a bucket list trip with me to celebrate.

Now that I am older and my friends kids are getting married and my nieces and nephews are old enough to marry I have a tinge of sadness because I will never be the mother of the bride or groom. I guess I could have a wedding for the dogs or something to make up for it. (I would never ever do that!)

I love my life. I feel that God has blessed me beyond anything I deserve. I am married to my best friend. When he breathes out I breathe in, there is no doubt that that is the man that God made for me. I am pursuing a lifelong dream, it is within reach and I couldn't have done that without God.

I love my mom, very much. The older I get the more like my mom I become. I have other wonderful women in my life that have helped me along the way. I would never not honor any of these women because Mother's Day is hard for me.

The fact that I have been able to type this without sitting on a potty in a locked bathroom without people banging on the door is a testament to my wonderful childlessness. On May 12th when all the Mother's Day stuff is put up my wound will begin to heal again. I know though that next May it will reopen. I honestly do not feel sorry for myself. How many people can say that they have slept till noon at least twice in the past month? I can go to the bathroom and actually have quiet (until the dogs come in.) I can stay up until three in the morning without worrying if someone will wake me up at six (Hunny might but he knows better.)

Next Sunday look around you. Do you have women who have influenced you? Let them know you appreciate them. Do you have an aunt that will let you be silly? Tell her Happy Mother's Day.

What will I be doing? I will tell the special women in my life that I love them and appreciate them and after church I will take a nap and perhaps a long bubble bath to remind myself of one more reason I don't have kids.

Time Flies

View from the top

It's been almost a year since i have written anything. I didn't realize it had been that long. I will try to do better (But probably won't)

I am on spring break. I cannot believe that I am a full time student. I am too old to be a student. If it all works out I will be a teacher next year. I cannot wait.

This week I will get to relax, and sleep late and do the work that was assigned. The most important thing that i am planning this week is spending time with my Hunny. That will include going to Mt. Magazine. I love spending time there. We renewed our vows there ten years ago. When Hunny and I dated he took me up there and I fell in love with him and the mountain. I feel a connection to the mountain. I feel that our marriage has grown up with the state park that is there now.

I drive be it everyday I go to school. I can see when I leave the house. I can see when I get to school. The mountain is a constant in my life when sometimes things are crazy. Sometime I think I can hear the mountain cheering me on..."You can do it. You are smart. You are strong. You can do this." I feel reassured by it. When I am on the mountain I feel peaceful, I feel whole.

Twenty years ago I left part of my heart on that mountain I must go back from time to time to find it. When I start down the mountain I leave another piece of my heart so when I come back my heart will feel peace.

Dreams

What is your dream? Is it something that you gave up on a long time ago? Is it the voice that nags at the back of your mind to try something? Is it a desire that is so overwhelming you can't breath? At some-point  did your dream become a nightmare?

I have spent a good deal of my adult life chasing dreams. I was unsettled, I couldn't even figure out what my dream for one day was much less a life defining one. I would find something that seemed good for a while then I would become uninterested then I would chase the next thing. For fifteen years I was a tumbleweed and went where the wind blew me.

I chased rainbows, then I would write about them. I would have a revelation from the Lord then I would write it down so I wouldn't forget. So maybe this was my dream- to write.

So I am chasing a rainbow. I am settled, I even kinda sorta know what I want to write about.

Women. Awesome women. Women who make a difference. Everyday women. Women whose biggest accomplishment may be getting out bed for the day.

A book I read recently spoke a lot about women and the pressure we put on ourselves. The beginning of Proverbs 31talks about a woman . In the Greek (or Hebrew) it is eshet chayil - woman of valor. I want to honor these women of valor.

Women have such an awesome influence on the world. When Charles Manson was arrestted I bet someone's asked, "Where's his mother?" When atheletes get on camera they say "Hi Mom" It ispwomen who teach us gentleness and love and caring and empathy.

God has placed strong women in my life. I have been blessed to have two wonderful sister-in-laws. Their influence on my life is great and awesome. It has been life changing.

I have had several women who have stepped up and become mentors to me.

These are the women I want to write about. I want to share their stories. The women who are not famous but make a difference in everyday lives of people around them.

The problem is where do I start? So many women.

What I just read

The last book I read was A Year of Biblical Womanhood   is a book by Rachel Held Evans.
 
Evans is a Christian, independent, liberated, modern woman. She decided to take "biblical womanhood literally. From the beginning to the end. From the rules in the Old Testament to the standard in the New Testament.
 
If I had read the hard copy of this book I would have not all through it. (One of the drawbacks of an e-reader.) When I get through I felt Evans was a friend, one I could people watch with, that would understand my sarcasm, that would laugh at with me at inappropriate moments.

She had ten things (commandments) that she followed each day: be submissive to her husband, do all the household work, dress modestly, not cut her hair, no gossip, et al. Each month she then took a different virtue that she focused on.
 
She takes the reader on her journey with her from learning how sew a button to proclaiming her husband at the city gate. She shares her triumphs and her fails. In the process she learns, she teaches. She does it all without being whiney or preachy. Which is more than I could do.
 
I find her relatable. She's a Christian but admits to saying bad words, especially at the television on Saturday game days. She asks questions, she questions what she was taught in her sixth grade Sunday School class. I like her because this is a process that I have been going through the last several years.

She questions Christians bickering about a couple of  verses  while women in other countries are being tortured just because they are women. She made me realize that there is a world outside of the United States and how fortunate I am to live here.

The most important thing she taught me was that the whole Proverbs 31 woman DOES NOT exist. Proverbs 31 was not meant to be standard by which woman should live up to but it was intended as a way for men to praise their wives, a poem to recite to her.

I would recommend this book to anyone. You need to realize that if you are ultra conservative that you might get upset. If you are not at a point to look at your beliefs this is not for you. If you are ready to grow, to find answers for yourself then read this book.

Here is a link to her site; http://rachelheldevans.com/  Check her out, you might be surprised.

So now that I shared what book are you reading? What book have you just finished?

ETA:

Being grateful- today I am grateful for comfy pajamas that I can all day on a cold rainy day.

Passion

Passion is a funny word. It brings up all sorts of vision to ones mind. I have heard a lot about passion lately. My pastor preached about it, I read a book about it, and right now there is a conference happening called Passion 2013.

My Pastor described passion as having zeal, being obsessed, it is what drives us. (I bet he didn't think I was paying attention) So for the last month I have been trying to figure out what my passion is. What is it that drives me? You would think that would be easy to find out. But you would be wrong.

I have thought about what I like: I like to write, I like to take pictures, I like to be around kids, I like to learn, I like chocolate (ok I may be passionate about chocolate,) I like to read. Which one of these things drives me? I can write about learning to take pictures of children eating chocolate. That would be awesome!!!!

For real though, what is it that drives me? I would love to write the stories of everyday women who made a difference in their world. Those women inspire me. To find a problem and find a solution for it. I want to help kids. The innocent, they should stay innocent as long as they can. So many kids in our world are unloved, passed off to grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends. I want to help girls understand that God loves them, no matter what. They don't have to be a size two, dressed like a thirty year old stripper. Young teenage girls need to understand that they are princesses because they have a King for a Father.

These are the things that are important to me. I want people to know about my awesome sister-in-law because she is a wonderful example to me. She has loved my brother through better or worse. She has been on more missions than most of us ever dreamed about. She taught me that it's okay to ask questions. She is changing her neighborhood one day at a time. (She is also one of like three people who can call me a nick name.)

If Christians and churches don't make a stand and love the unlovable who will do it? These children who are being passed around must feel the love of Christ. Who is going to teach them that? Maybe for them the love of Christ looks a hot meal or a warm coat. Maybe the love of Christ is a hug, hearing someone tell them that they are loved, no matter what.

And girls, young teenage girls make so many life alternating decisions in those years. No they don't wake up one day and say "I think I will experiment with drugs today" but in a thousand of little decisions they get there. They need to be taught early to make the right decisions, to make the right turns so when they are faced with the big decision they won't have to think about what the decision will be.

Maybe I can spend four months doing each of these things and see where it gets me. Maybe I can have three passions. You know like some trains have more than one engine.

My last thing for today- to be grateful. I am not grateful enough and remembering to be grateful just once during the year doesn't cut it. Sooooo- today I am grateful for the Creator. He created the world but he created me and cares for me. How awesome is that?

I pray that this is the basis for my passion-

 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’   Matthew 22:37

What really matters

A couple of days ago a tragic thing happened to one of our neighbors. Their teenage son goes to church with us. It was a tragedy makes you stop and take inventory of your own life.


This has been on my mind and heart since then. I am not close to the family. I have been getting to know their so n at church. My heartaches for them. It has been aching for them since I found out.. This is not my tragedy and this is not going to be about me...well as much as a blog about my life is about me.

I went back to work and checked Facebook and Twitter to see if anyone had said anything, they hadn't. They were talking about TV shows and the Olympics and new cars and the snow-cone stand closing. I wanted to say "Don't you realize that it really doesn't matter if you have a snow-cone or not?" My boss' young daughter came with her dad to pick up my boss. She came to my desk, she uses my computer to watch Barney while her mom is finishing up. The hope in her eyes. She just wanted to watch Barney, I wanted to sit and sing "The Wheels on the Bus" for the rest of the day. I wanted to breath in her life, her hope. It was a sign that the world does go on.

That night we went to the store, no food in the house, I looked at all the people shopping and all the people that were shopping and I thought to myself  "Just two blocks away a family sits broken, how can you just go on with your lives?" Of course they didn't know about the family, the world must go on.

As much as I have been affected by it (I hugged a sweaty boy ugh) I know that their pain is 100, 1000 times more.

How does life go on? What are the magic words that take away the pain? I just do. I cling to my faith, I cling to Christ and the cross. I remember that God has a plan for me. He promised me a hope and a future. Do I tell my neighbors that? Yes? Now? No but someday. Someday.

Now? I pray. I pray for peace that passes understanding. I pray for them to be comforted. I will go and give them hugs and not say anything and just be there for them. Be the hands and feet of the church.

It's Been a While

It's been a while. After talking to a friend last night he unwittingly made me realize that I needed to get back to  blogging. I have been writing long hand in a notebook tho so I could use that as fodder later on.

To catch up. I am starting school on the 23rd. My major will be creative writing. I would love to do freelance work for magazines and such. I also really like proofreading too. I may look into that too. But at least I am going back to better myself.

Usually I like to write about what I am thinking or things that have happened to me. Right now I am heartbroken over several broken relationships.  I want things to get better but how? Do I need to take the first step to cross the bridge? Do I leave it alone? How can I convey that I want to move past that thing that came between us?

Because of my personality I wonder if they even miss me? Do they realize that it's been two years since they have talked to me? Do realize that I have visited in that long? That we haven't shopped together? Haven't had a cup of coffee? Haven't laughed? Do they realize the damage that it has done to others around us? Do they care at all?

I talked to Mr. Spouse about it and he asked me why I was worried about it now. All I could think of was I miss my friend. Did I do something that was unforgivable? Have they been waiting all this time for me to step up? If I explained my feelings would they listen? Would they understand?

So the question of the night is. Do I take the first step? Leave it alone? I know that God has it under control. He hold the future in my His hand.

Lord I come to you know and ask, to plea that you show me the direction you want me to go. I ask that you soften people hearts and prepare them for what You have planned. Prepare my heart for what you have planned, Lord help us to put away our childish ways and move beyond the hurt so that our renewed relationship will shine your light. Amen