Let Me Tell You

Okay...

.

I am going to tell you a secret. It may be the first time you have heard this...

Being married is hard. Like crazy hard.

DISCLAIMER- As I write this right now I am afraid that I will sound judgmental. That is not my intention at all. I do not mean to sound like a know it all either. 

What made me think of this is a person that I know. I was at her wedding. I remember it very well. I do not know what made me think of this. She is divorced now. I remember thinking I was at your wedding... you promised until death do you part. I wondered what happened. What was the final straw? Did he leave the toilet seat up one too many times? Did she forget to turn the shower head off? 

For some reason I have been noticing memes lately that have to do with love and marriage and how to know if he is the one!

I have been married 21 years. You can not put 21 years of marriage in a meme. You can not describe it with a single quote. Every good Southern girl can quote those lines from Sweet Home Alabama -Young Melanie: Why would you want to marry me for, anyhow? Young Jake: So I can kiss you anytime I want.  Isn't that sweet? (I'll give you time to think on it.....)

Love is more than someone bringing you roses everyday (coffee is a nice alternative though.) Love is more cooking whatever his or her favorite meal is. Love is more than your sweetie buying you the dog/cat/pig/turtle you want. Love isn't just the happy stuff. Love is the bad stuff too...when the lights go out because you forgot to pay the bill, when one of you hit the fourth deer with the same car in three years. Love is going fishing even though you hate it because you want to spend time together. Love is siting down and paying bills, love is washing the dishes, love is folding laundry. Love is putting the seat up or down depending on which bathroom you are in. Love is rubbing Vicks and Bengay.

Love is holding hands as a parent dies. Love is shedding tears when a long time dream dies. 

Love is face timing your partner when your song come on the radio so you can sing it together. Love is celebrating accomplishments of individually and as a couple. 

I know that you have your own definition of  love. Being married is all about finding someone you love and spending the rest of your life with them.

Marriage is more than just a wedding...marriage is what happens everyday after the wedding. Marriage is...marriage is...life.  

Not long after I married I asked a wise older lady who was celebrating her 50th anniversary if she every thought about killing her husband. Without thinking she said yes. I explained "No really if you could have killed him and gotten away with it would you?" "Yes!" I knew then that it would be okay.

This week alone I wanted to smack my honey because he wasn't listening to being over the moon when he sent me a picture of the kitchen table that he cleaned off. 

When you decide to spend the rest of your life with someone you are attempting to join two lives into one. There will be comprises. I don't like fishing because I can't stay quiet that long but hubby can go whenever he wants. I like taking landscape pictures so hubby drives me so I can take them. I read, he doesn't (he knows how he just isn't a reader) so I go to bookstores. I like sushi and he uses it for bait but he picks it up for me when he gets a chance. We learned that we don't have to do everything together. 

I do know who Hank Williams is and have "Kaw Ligia" in my ipod and I know his version is better than Charlie Pride's. I know there is a town named Saginaw Michigan and that there was a Carroll County accident that was probably caused by Big John. I know this because my hunny loves old county music and now I love it. He watches NCIS and Big Bang Theory. He understands my love for Matthew McConaughey.

Our marriage is in no way perfect. Everyday (7,917) for the past 21 years we have decided that we will stick it out one more day. We will defend one another to death. We are a team, we are partners. We are we. When you see us at any given point we may like each other or can't stand each other but there is no doubt that we are there for each other.

Why I Love Downton Abbey

I really truly love Downton Abbey. I can give you the technical stuff- the writing is excellent, the actors, the location, All of it feels very true to life.  Dame Maggie Smith plays the matriarch of the family and the best lines are reserved for her.
The family is taken care of by servants, Who hasn't dreamed about someone fixing their hair everyday?

The huge house. Really who needs that much space? I would like to find out.

Twenty-five years or so ago I went to the Biltmore Estate in Asheville North Carolina. Then as a teenager I could not fathom a life that was lived in that house. I couldn't picture kids screaming and running amuck. I couldn't see a family gathered in the kitchen eating dinner. I loved that house. That is the frame of reference that I have for Downton Abbey. 

I love the characters on Downton. I have become involved in their lives. I cheer when they get married and cry when they are hurt. I want those who harm the family to receive their comeuppance.

All of these are legitimate reasons why I love Downton.

My favorite reason is that I watch it with my brother. He is several states and hundreds of miles away but I know that he is watching. I watch because I know that he watching the exact same thing as me,

My brother is seven years older than me..almost to the day, our birthdays are two days apart. He left for college the year I started seventh grade. I was a horrible child. I was the youngest and I have been told I was spoiled and always got my way. (I do not believe that in the least.) As we got older we grew apart. He married and did great things. I stumbled around for a while. I was self-centered and often rude and mean. He loved me anyway. I got married and learned that the world did not indeed revolve around me. (I was greatly disappointed.)

Seven or eight years ago a series of events caused me to have a crisis of faith. I questioned everything I had grown up knowing. I had been hurt deeply by a person in my church. I wasn't sure that I even wanted to go back to church. I did not know where to turn or who to talk to. After many weeks of struggle I called my brother. And he listened. For over an hour he listened to me cry and question. He did it all without judgement. He did not tell me to just pray about it and it would get better. He told me it was okay to question. He told me I did not have to agree with everything the preacher said. He told me I was going to be okay. That was a turning point I believe for us. I think had it not been for him I would have fallen apart during that time.

I have learned to depend on this great, godly, wonderful man that my brother had become. he has taught me to be non-judgmental. God loves everyone, regardless of color, shape or size. I have seen him travel to foreign countries so people can feel the love of Christ. I have seen him love his wife for over 30 years. I have watched him raise a red headed little boy into a red headed man with the same love for people that his father has. When our mom was sick he came for a week so our siblings who lived in the same town as the hospital could have a break. When Mom died he was there again.

When I graduated college he came. I would have understood if he had not. He had been back here four times in the past year and that was hard on him. He gave up his birthday so he could be with me.

It was hard for him growing up being the oldest of four. Towing his little sister with him to friends houses, sharing birthday parties with a girl seven years younger than him. Knowing two other siblings depended on him. He persevered, (Maybe I am part of the reason he is a great person? Hmmm.)

Growing up I hear more than once that I needed to be more like my brother. Now as an adult that would be the best compliment that a person could give me, that I was like my brother.

My Journey

You probably want to know something about me. To begin with I am not all that special. If you saw me on the street you would pass me up and not think anything about it. I am no different than you are. I struggle with getting up in the morning and I think that coffee is a miracle food. There is no such thing as too much sweet tea. The carhops at Sonic know my name, my order and what time I come in. The owner of the local Mexican restaurant gives me a hard time when he sees me at Wal-Mart and knows I am lying when I tell him that I am going to start going to Taco Bell. I have been married 21 years (OMG!) which is a big deal but it is hard and I am still trying to figure it out. There are days when I don't get dressed. There can be several days in a row when I don't get dressed. I read People magazine faithfully. I have read the Harry Potter Series at least four times and am halfway through them again. I play on my iPad too often and check Facebook often because I want to see if that relationship with the two people who are soul-mates and best friends even though they met last week has imploded yet. I wear a FitBit because I like the idea of working out but not the physical act of working out. It does tell me if I reached my goal of sleeping eight hours a night though.

See I am no different than you. I am walking the same road that you are. My feet have been  tired and swollen and blistered. There were times when I wasn't sure I could make it another step. I have cried out at the top of my lungs "WHY? WHY ME?." I have gathered up the broken pieces and glued and taped and stapled them back together. To look at me I am nothing special. 

Except for I am.

I am the daughter of a King.

I am loved.

I am me.

There are many things that I could tell you about that you might be able to relate to. I want to tell you about one particular thing that has happened in the last year.

My mom died. She is dead. I know that sounds harsh but it is the truth. I do not like it when someone has passed (What did they pass? Where did they pass?) or when someone is lost. (We lost Uncle Joe this morning. Have you looked for him? Did you notify the police?) 

I was in my last semester of college. I was getting ready to intern. My mom went in the hospital three days before the semester started. She died three days before I was to start my internship. She was in the hospital close to 30 days.

We had our share of problems. I think it was because I am like her. She was my mom and I loved her. I was able to  spend a great deal of time with her in the hospital. She had some really good days and some really bad days. I usually had a good day then a bad day. I know she loved me and I know that she was proud of me because she told me so. We laughed and we cried. We talked about growing up. 

During that time I learned how strong I was. I stood with my brothers and sister and told her that it was okay to let go. I help plan her funeral. I wrote her obituary. I picked up the clothes she would be buried in from her house, I found my voice and was able to express it. My siblings saw me in a new light. 

It was during this time when I realized that some things are worth fighting for. (Yes, Mom wanted Abba songs at her funeral. We will play Abba!) Some things are not worth fighting for. (It doesn't matter when visitation is.) Some things we can laugh at (The pink casket will clash with her blue dress.)  Some things just are. (No, she didn't want church songs but that one is okay.)

I learned that I could depend on friends that would make me laugh no matter what. I learned that college professors are much more understanding than anyone ever said. I have not yet learned what to say when someone tells me they are sorry that she died other then thank you.

Most importantly I have learned that sometimes you just need to listen. I listened to my mom tell stories while she was in the hospital. I listened to my family as they told tales about my mom. I listened to her friends. I listened to people tell me things about my mom. I like to talk. I love to tell stories. I have a story for almost every occasion but sometimes you just need to listen.  I learned to be quiet. 

I learned to listen not just to others but being quiet I have been able to hear the still small voice.

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This is one of my favorite passages in the Bible.

1 Kings 19:11-13The Message (MSG)

11-12 Then he was told, “Go, stand on the mountain at attention before God. God will pass by.”

A hurricane wind ripped through the mountains and shattered the rocks before God, but God wasn’t to be found in the wind; after the wind an earthquake, but God wasn’t in the earthquake; and after the earthquake fire, but God wasn’t in the fire; and after the fire a gentle and quiet whisper.

13 When Elijah heard the quiet voice, he muffled his face with his great cloak, went to the mouth of the cave, and stood there. A quiet voice asked, “So Elijah, now tell me, what are you doing here?”

Wednesday Night Vistors

I am very involved in church. It is where my friends are. i is where my family is. Church is normally the center of my life. I teach Sunday School to fourth, fifth and sixth graders on Sunday mornings. Sometime I want to pinch their heads off most of the time I love it. on Wednesday nights I help with third grade girls in AWANA. Sometime I fill in for council time. I love those girls, they keep on my toes.

Lately though on Wednesday's I have been going home so frustrated that last night I screamed in the car on the way home. You see last night we were short on workers, the flu has been going around. I had my girls by myself and there were two substitute teachers for the other girl's class. After that class I did Council Time for the little kids because that teacher wasn't there either. The fact that this happened doesn't bother. Anything for the kids.

What bothered me and has been bothering me is that there are six adults who sit in the kitchen and talk. For two hours they talk. I am running around like a mad man and they are VISITING! I was not happy. So last night I wrote a letter to them:

Dear Parents Who Visit During Wednesday Night Church:

I understand that you need fellowship. You are a stay at home mom and you need need adult conversation. All moms, all people need fellowship. I am not against you visiting but let me tell you about my day.

On Wednesday's I go to school. I drive an hour both ways. I get to work on two on-line classes when I get home from school. After working on my classes I volunteer at church.

Today I did not see my husband except for the minute I took him coffee and when I was pulling out of the driveway to head for church and he pulled into the driveway and I asked him to pick up dinner. ee he works twelve hours a day often seven days a week.  I normally do not eat at church because I want to make sure the kids have enough to eat.

While at church I was in a class by myself because the other teacher was sick. In fact three out of four workers were gone.

This is while you were fellowshipping.

After that class I changed hats and worked in another class because there was another worker missing.

And still you fellowshipped.

When I got home my husband was asleep and my dinner had to be heated up. While I ate I had to prop my foot up because I have tendinitis and being on my feet too long aggravates it. Tonight I stood longer than I am suppose to.

And you did not see me limping because you were fellowshipping.

Four hours later and my foot is still propped up, my husband is snoring and dinner is gone and I wonder if it is worth it. You see I do not have children myself, there is no reason for me to be at AWANA other than your child. I know it was worth it because I love your kids. When they finally get the verse they have worked so hard on I love the look on their face. In council time I love to see the look of wonder they have as the finally understand something. I LOVE your kids.

So next week while you are visiting and fellowshipping and eating and watching as adults are counted to make sure there are enough I want you to realize how much these adults have sacrificed to be there with your kids and how badly we need in the room with your kids.

Sincerely,

The AWANA worker who bit her tongue tonight

HELP!!!

I am a self-titled whiner. I may be the world's best/worst whiner (depends on the way you look at it.) I have a dear friend who keeps me in check when I need. She tells me to go eat worms or something.

If I haven't said it before let me tell you now. I have issues. Most of the time it is anxiety issues. Every six months or so it is depression issues. Right now I am in the middle of an "I'm gonna eat worms" time. I usually feel this way when I feel overwhelmed.

This is not fun for me. I do not like feeling this way. If i could pray and make it better I would. it's not something I can turn on and off. I can not will myself to feel better. I can not tell myself that when I wake up tomorrow everything will be all sunshine and rainbows because right now I'm not so sure that I want to wake up tomorrow. (I do not want to kill myself I just want to not deal with life.) 

My church had a Beth Moore simulcast today. She is such a good speaker. Today she spoke about being a woman and what that means. One of the things she talked about was women encouraging other women. We tend to be hyper-critical of one another. One of the things she said is that we need to have girlfriends on our side.

So I am sitting in my church with these women I know. I KNOW them, they KNOW me. I KNOW that love me. I KNOW that if I told them how I felt someone would take up my cause. I all could think was that I was all alone in this room. NO ONE would understand and even worse no one would CARE. In my notes I wrote that I needed someone on my side. I know I have someone on my side but yet I could not feel it. This was not a fun feeling for me. I looked at the people around me and felt that I was drowning in the middle of a crowded pool. I am waving my arms and no one is paying any attention to me. 

I know, I know. I should have told someone the way I felt. What do I say? Excuse me, but I feel as if I am in a pool of quicksand. Do you mind stopping everything you are doing and pay attention to me?  I know I look happy and all but I am dying on the inside, can you help me? or...I know that God loves me and Christ died for me. I know how the story ends and Satan loses but I can't process that right now. Do you know what I am suppose to do? If anyone had said any of these things to you today you would have said "You know Jesus loves you, I don't understand how you can feel like this." or "You know all these women care about you." or maybe my favorite "You poor thing, I will pray for you." then promptly go home and watch the Hogs game and forget about me.

This is not pleasant for me. All the difference would have been five minutes of someone's time to listen to me. I had a lot of people ask me how I was as they walked passed me. I do that too, "Hey Sue! How ya doin'? Good. Me too." I never heard what Sue said if she said anything.

I am not writing this because I want anyone to feel guilty or bad. I really don't want sympathy or pity. I want understanding. I want empathy. I want someone beside me to know that I am overwhelmed and I want to stay under my covers for a week. 

Most of all I want to feel God's love for me and sometime's that feels like someone taking time out of their day to give me fifteen minutes of their time to listen to me.

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I am not a Biblical scholar. I can not tell in what context David wrote the following Psalm but this explains how I feel-

Psalm 38:17-22

I’m on the edge of losing it—

    the pain in my gut keeps burning.I’m ready to tell my story of failure,    I’m no longer smug in my sin.My enemies are alive and in action,    a lynch mob after my neck.I give out good and get back evil    from God-haters who can’t stand a God-lover.     my God, don’t stand me up.
Hurry and help me;
    I want some wide-open space in my life!

Don’t dump me, God;

Another Waterfall

This waterfall is on the land of a dear friend of mine. I worked for her at one time. She was the best employer that I ever had. She is a true lady. Well she is still a lady.

She has a way with words. She knows exactly what to say and when to say it. One time I saw her confront a person at a party in such a way that no one knew she was was doing, I not sure the person even knew. She said what she had to say and that it was it. The person watched her walked away as the party carried on. It was AWESOME!

She walked with me when I had a crisis of belief and tons of questions. She did what she could. I think she would have encouraged me to believe that  Winnie the Pooh was God if that was the way I was leaning. She did not force her beliefs on me, she let me sort it out. I cried and I wept and she was there for me through it all.

Things happened and I don't work for her now. She is still a wonderful friend. Earlier this year I had a week of "It's not fair! Why is this happening to me?!" I ended up at her house she talked to me for three hours. Even now as I think back on it I am tearing up. Once again she got me through the crisis.

I had to an assignment to take landscape pictures for my photography class. I made the trip to her property and we talked, for an hour. While I was there she told me that I was going to be an awesome teacher. What? How often do you hear a person you admire and respect say such words of encouragement? President Obama could have said the same thing and it would have meant much less.  She is still pulling me through crisis.

I have read articles about finding a mentor, finding someone in your chosen profession that you want to emulate. Ask them if they will mentor you and on on on. She became my mentor. Not in the field if business she was in or in education. She became my mentor in life. Knowing that she is there and will always welcome me gives me such an example. Walking through the fire with me but not pulling me off the trail I was going. I now try to let others figure out where there trail leads as I walk beside them as she did for me.

These are poor words to express how much she means to me.It is not enough to say "thank you" but those inadequate words will have to do.

THANK YOU.

Waterfall

This is a waterfall on Mount Magazine. I have already proclaimed my love for the mountain in a previous post.

I took this picture as part of an assignment for a photography class I took this summer.

I love that the water was flowing so much. The waterfall can only be seen after a rain.. My favorite part about this is the part you can not see. I took my shoes off to wade around in the water. I love being barefoot but being barefoot in a stream of cool water is something else all together. I look at this picture and that is what I remember, Standing barefoot with water running over my feet not hearing the cars that were going by 10 feet above my head.

This is one of my favorite places in the world. I will always go back.

Worthy are you, out Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created.

Revelation 4:11

And a song-

Chris Tomlin - Waterfall 

O God, my God I seek You
I wanna move when You move
You're more than I could long for
I thirst for You
You're an ocean to my soul
To my soul

Your love is like a waterfall, waterfall
Running wild and free
You hear my heart when I call, when I call
Deep calls to deep
Your love is like a waterfall, waterfall
Raining down on me
Waterfall, waterfall

O God my God, I seek You
In this dry and desert land
You lead me to streams of mercy once again
You're an ocean to my soul
To my soul

It's coming like a flood
I'm dancing in the rain
Everything I've done is covered in rivers of grace
Amazing

It's coming like a flood 
I'm dancing in the rain
I lift up my hands
Your love never changes
Amazing