HELP!!!

I am a self-titled whiner. I may be the world's best/worst whiner (depends on the way you look at it.) I have a dear friend who keeps me in check when I need. She tells me to go eat worms or something.

If I haven't said it before let me tell you now. I have issues. Most of the time it is anxiety issues. Every six months or so it is depression issues. Right now I am in the middle of an "I'm gonna eat worms" time. I usually feel this way when I feel overwhelmed.

This is not fun for me. I do not like feeling this way. If i could pray and make it better I would. it's not something I can turn on and off. I can not will myself to feel better. I can not tell myself that when I wake up tomorrow everything will be all sunshine and rainbows because right now I'm not so sure that I want to wake up tomorrow. (I do not want to kill myself I just want to not deal with life.) 

My church had a Beth Moore simulcast today. She is such a good speaker. Today she spoke about being a woman and what that means. One of the things she talked about was women encouraging other women. We tend to be hyper-critical of one another. One of the things she said is that we need to have girlfriends on our side.

So I am sitting in my church with these women I know. I KNOW them, they KNOW me. I KNOW that love me. I KNOW that if I told them how I felt someone would take up my cause. I all could think was that I was all alone in this room. NO ONE would understand and even worse no one would CARE. In my notes I wrote that I needed someone on my side. I know I have someone on my side but yet I could not feel it. This was not a fun feeling for me. I looked at the people around me and felt that I was drowning in the middle of a crowded pool. I am waving my arms and no one is paying any attention to me. 

I know, I know. I should have told someone the way I felt. What do I say? Excuse me, but I feel as if I am in a pool of quicksand. Do you mind stopping everything you are doing and pay attention to me?  I know I look happy and all but I am dying on the inside, can you help me? or...I know that God loves me and Christ died for me. I know how the story ends and Satan loses but I can't process that right now. Do you know what I am suppose to do? If anyone had said any of these things to you today you would have said "You know Jesus loves you, I don't understand how you can feel like this." or "You know all these women care about you." or maybe my favorite "You poor thing, I will pray for you." then promptly go home and watch the Hogs game and forget about me.

This is not pleasant for me. All the difference would have been five minutes of someone's time to listen to me. I had a lot of people ask me how I was as they walked passed me. I do that too, "Hey Sue! How ya doin'? Good. Me too." I never heard what Sue said if she said anything.

I am not writing this because I want anyone to feel guilty or bad. I really don't want sympathy or pity. I want understanding. I want empathy. I want someone beside me to know that I am overwhelmed and I want to stay under my covers for a week. 

Most of all I want to feel God's love for me and sometime's that feels like someone taking time out of their day to give me fifteen minutes of their time to listen to me.

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I am not a Biblical scholar. I can not tell in what context David wrote the following Psalm but this explains how I feel-

Psalm 38:17-22

I’m on the edge of losing it—

    the pain in my gut keeps burning.I’m ready to tell my story of failure,    I’m no longer smug in my sin.My enemies are alive and in action,    a lynch mob after my neck.I give out good and get back evil    from God-haters who can’t stand a God-lover.     my God, don’t stand me up.
Hurry and help me;
    I want some wide-open space in my life!

Don’t dump me, God;

Another Waterfall

This waterfall is on the land of a dear friend of mine. I worked for her at one time. She was the best employer that I ever had. She is a true lady. Well she is still a lady.

She has a way with words. She knows exactly what to say and when to say it. One time I saw her confront a person at a party in such a way that no one knew she was was doing, I not sure the person even knew. She said what she had to say and that it was it. The person watched her walked away as the party carried on. It was AWESOME!

She walked with me when I had a crisis of belief and tons of questions. She did what she could. I think she would have encouraged me to believe that  Winnie the Pooh was God if that was the way I was leaning. She did not force her beliefs on me, she let me sort it out. I cried and I wept and she was there for me through it all.

Things happened and I don't work for her now. She is still a wonderful friend. Earlier this year I had a week of "It's not fair! Why is this happening to me?!" I ended up at her house she talked to me for three hours. Even now as I think back on it I am tearing up. Once again she got me through the crisis.

I had to an assignment to take landscape pictures for my photography class. I made the trip to her property and we talked, for an hour. While I was there she told me that I was going to be an awesome teacher. What? How often do you hear a person you admire and respect say such words of encouragement? President Obama could have said the same thing and it would have meant much less.  She is still pulling me through crisis.

I have read articles about finding a mentor, finding someone in your chosen profession that you want to emulate. Ask them if they will mentor you and on on on. She became my mentor. Not in the field if business she was in or in education. She became my mentor in life. Knowing that she is there and will always welcome me gives me such an example. Walking through the fire with me but not pulling me off the trail I was going. I now try to let others figure out where there trail leads as I walk beside them as she did for me.

These are poor words to express how much she means to me.It is not enough to say "thank you" but those inadequate words will have to do.

THANK YOU.

Waterfall

This is a waterfall on Mount Magazine. I have already proclaimed my love for the mountain in a previous post.

I took this picture as part of an assignment for a photography class I took this summer.

I love that the water was flowing so much. The waterfall can only be seen after a rain.. My favorite part about this is the part you can not see. I took my shoes off to wade around in the water. I love being barefoot but being barefoot in a stream of cool water is something else all together. I look at this picture and that is what I remember, Standing barefoot with water running over my feet not hearing the cars that were going by 10 feet above my head.

This is one of my favorite places in the world. I will always go back.

Worthy are you, out Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created.

Revelation 4:11

And a song-

Chris Tomlin - Waterfall 

O God, my God I seek You
I wanna move when You move
You're more than I could long for
I thirst for You
You're an ocean to my soul
To my soul

Your love is like a waterfall, waterfall
Running wild and free
You hear my heart when I call, when I call
Deep calls to deep
Your love is like a waterfall, waterfall
Raining down on me
Waterfall, waterfall

O God my God, I seek You
In this dry and desert land
You lead me to streams of mercy once again
You're an ocean to my soul
To my soul

It's coming like a flood
I'm dancing in the rain
Everything I've done is covered in rivers of grace
Amazing

It's coming like a flood 
I'm dancing in the rain
I lift up my hands
Your love never changes
Amazing

Words

I know I haven't written in a while. In fact my sister-in-law has asked me twice to update. So B. this is for you....

I have been busy, a little busy. I probably have said this before but I am in school full time. I have two classes I am currently in. In the Fall I will have 21 hours, in the Spring I will intern. I will graduate in May!!!! When I am not studying I lay on the couch and drool, well actually I do things that I do not have to think about, like drooling. I love being in school but my brain hurts at the end of the day.

This week is over. I found out that a friend is moving to Virginia. I was close to him for about six months and things happened and I got mad and resentful and wished for hot coals to come down on him. The events led us to go to another church. I swelled up like a baby and carried my hurt around like a badge. I pointed and said "LOOK AT WHAT HE DID TO ME!"

Several years ago I actually talked to him about what happened. (What a novel idea!) You know what I was wrong, so wrong, so so wrong. I begged forgiveness and he gave it freely. I know that what I said hurt him and I can not take that back. It's like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube after it is squeezed out. (Try that at home.)

In the last several weeks others things have happened that have hurt my feelings. I really like showing off my hurt and letting others know how bad I have been treated. This time I couldn't gripe about it to everyone that would listen because they were a part of it. I have two very good friends who I did tell, one was vary sympathetic the other told me to get over it. The nerve of her! I got over it because I knew she wouldn't listen to my whining about it for days on end.

My biggest problem is my words. I don't always use the right words or nice words. I am very sarcastic.  I try hard not to be sarcastic around people who do not understand it but it is hard. I have hurt people with my words without meaning to. I think people know I am joking and I say to myself that's just the way I am. My words can be biting.

There's a verse that speaks directly to this-

Ephesians 4:29

29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

I pray that my words are like silver boxes (gifts) and others will be lifted up by what I say.

The month of May

You probably know this but if not I am not a mother. When Hunny and I married we decided that if God gave us kids we would be good, if he didn't give us kids we would be good. Well he didn't give us kids. We tried to foster/adopt and that fell through. Bottom line I do not have kids.

Talking to Hunny last week we decided that we were selfish and that is really the reason why we do not have kids. We both like to do our own thing. I would be besides myself if I had a child to take care of. God knew what he was doing.

This does not negate the pain I feel the first two weeks of May every year. And the way Hunny feels in June. For those few weeks EVERY year we are reminded that even though some people can have seventy eleven kids we could not manage to produce one. If you are a mom it is hard to understand the way I feel. It's not like "Geez I don't have a date to the prom so I am going to have an awesome night with my other non-prom going friends." It's more like "Look at that woman with five children who are wearing just diapers and t-shirts into Wal-Mart. Yep she can do something you can't. LOSER!" Every year for at least the last fifteen years.

The majority of the time I think it is awesome that I can not what I want when I want. I can go to a football game and enjoy because I don't have to worry about my child getting hurt. I like staying up late and sleeping in. I can go to the store within a moments notice. Right now I am in school and can take classes whenever because I don't have to worry about kids. In job interviews I point out that I am more flexible than parents are. These are the times when I know the reason I don't have kids. If  I need to go to the store I don't want to have to get anyone else ready.

To honest I don't know if I could take care of another human being either. My dogs and cats often run out of food and water. One of the dogs will tell me when they are out of water, he whines until I get up to fill his bowl, it doesn't matter the time if he is thirsty he will get his water.

I love being an aunt. My nieces and nephews my not love it but I do. When they were younger (and when Xanderthal gets older) I would take them for fun things, give them junk food and sugar and then take them home. That was the best. When one of them tells me they want something I will do whatever I can to get it for them. If everything keeps going in the direction it is in the Spring of 2015 my niece and I will both graduate college. I feel privileged that I can share that with her. Just this morning I was wondering if she would want to take a bucket list trip with me to celebrate.

Now that I am older and my friends kids are getting married and my nieces and nephews are old enough to marry I have a tinge of sadness because I will never be the mother of the bride or groom. I guess I could have a wedding for the dogs or something to make up for it. (I would never ever do that!)

I love my life. I feel that God has blessed me beyond anything I deserve. I am married to my best friend. When he breathes out I breathe in, there is no doubt that that is the man that God made for me. I am pursuing a lifelong dream, it is within reach and I couldn't have done that without God.

I love my mom, very much. The older I get the more like my mom I become. I have other wonderful women in my life that have helped me along the way. I would never not honor any of these women because Mother's Day is hard for me.

The fact that I have been able to type this without sitting on a potty in a locked bathroom without people banging on the door is a testament to my wonderful childlessness. On May 12th when all the Mother's Day stuff is put up my wound will begin to heal again. I know though that next May it will reopen. I honestly do not feel sorry for myself. How many people can say that they have slept till noon at least twice in the past month? I can go to the bathroom and actually have quiet (until the dogs come in.) I can stay up until three in the morning without worrying if someone will wake me up at six (Hunny might but he knows better.)

Next Sunday look around you. Do you have women who have influenced you? Let them know you appreciate them. Do you have an aunt that will let you be silly? Tell her Happy Mother's Day.

What will I be doing? I will tell the special women in my life that I love them and appreciate them and after church I will take a nap and perhaps a long bubble bath to remind myself of one more reason I don't have kids.

Time Flies

View from the top

It's been almost a year since i have written anything. I didn't realize it had been that long. I will try to do better (But probably won't)

I am on spring break. I cannot believe that I am a full time student. I am too old to be a student. If it all works out I will be a teacher next year. I cannot wait.

This week I will get to relax, and sleep late and do the work that was assigned. The most important thing that i am planning this week is spending time with my Hunny. That will include going to Mt. Magazine. I love spending time there. We renewed our vows there ten years ago. When Hunny and I dated he took me up there and I fell in love with him and the mountain. I feel a connection to the mountain. I feel that our marriage has grown up with the state park that is there now.

I drive be it everyday I go to school. I can see when I leave the house. I can see when I get to school. The mountain is a constant in my life when sometimes things are crazy. Sometime I think I can hear the mountain cheering me on..."You can do it. You are smart. You are strong. You can do this." I feel reassured by it. When I am on the mountain I feel peaceful, I feel whole.

Twenty years ago I left part of my heart on that mountain I must go back from time to time to find it. When I start down the mountain I leave another piece of my heart so when I come back my heart will feel peace.