The month of May

You probably know this but if not I am not a mother. When Hunny and I married we decided that if God gave us kids we would be good, if he didn't give us kids we would be good. Well he didn't give us kids. We tried to foster/adopt and that fell through. Bottom line I do not have kids.

Talking to Hunny last week we decided that we were selfish and that is really the reason why we do not have kids. We both like to do our own thing. I would be besides myself if I had a child to take care of. God knew what he was doing.

This does not negate the pain I feel the first two weeks of May every year. And the way Hunny feels in June. For those few weeks EVERY year we are reminded that even though some people can have seventy eleven kids we could not manage to produce one. If you are a mom it is hard to understand the way I feel. It's not like "Geez I don't have a date to the prom so I am going to have an awesome night with my other non-prom going friends." It's more like "Look at that woman with five children who are wearing just diapers and t-shirts into Wal-Mart. Yep she can do something you can't. LOSER!" Every year for at least the last fifteen years.

The majority of the time I think it is awesome that I can not what I want when I want. I can go to a football game and enjoy because I don't have to worry about my child getting hurt. I like staying up late and sleeping in. I can go to the store within a moments notice. Right now I am in school and can take classes whenever because I don't have to worry about kids. In job interviews I point out that I am more flexible than parents are. These are the times when I know the reason I don't have kids. If  I need to go to the store I don't want to have to get anyone else ready.

To honest I don't know if I could take care of another human being either. My dogs and cats often run out of food and water. One of the dogs will tell me when they are out of water, he whines until I get up to fill his bowl, it doesn't matter the time if he is thirsty he will get his water.

I love being an aunt. My nieces and nephews my not love it but I do. When they were younger (and when Xanderthal gets older) I would take them for fun things, give them junk food and sugar and then take them home. That was the best. When one of them tells me they want something I will do whatever I can to get it for them. If everything keeps going in the direction it is in the Spring of 2015 my niece and I will both graduate college. I feel privileged that I can share that with her. Just this morning I was wondering if she would want to take a bucket list trip with me to celebrate.

Now that I am older and my friends kids are getting married and my nieces and nephews are old enough to marry I have a tinge of sadness because I will never be the mother of the bride or groom. I guess I could have a wedding for the dogs or something to make up for it. (I would never ever do that!)

I love my life. I feel that God has blessed me beyond anything I deserve. I am married to my best friend. When he breathes out I breathe in, there is no doubt that that is the man that God made for me. I am pursuing a lifelong dream, it is within reach and I couldn't have done that without God.

I love my mom, very much. The older I get the more like my mom I become. I have other wonderful women in my life that have helped me along the way. I would never not honor any of these women because Mother's Day is hard for me.

The fact that I have been able to type this without sitting on a potty in a locked bathroom without people banging on the door is a testament to my wonderful childlessness. On May 12th when all the Mother's Day stuff is put up my wound will begin to heal again. I know though that next May it will reopen. I honestly do not feel sorry for myself. How many people can say that they have slept till noon at least twice in the past month? I can go to the bathroom and actually have quiet (until the dogs come in.) I can stay up until three in the morning without worrying if someone will wake me up at six (Hunny might but he knows better.)

Next Sunday look around you. Do you have women who have influenced you? Let them know you appreciate them. Do you have an aunt that will let you be silly? Tell her Happy Mother's Day.

What will I be doing? I will tell the special women in my life that I love them and appreciate them and after church I will take a nap and perhaps a long bubble bath to remind myself of one more reason I don't have kids.